Wednesday, March 5, 2014

THE SHERIFF - A Story Time Adventure (Ep5)






Cowboys, dust storms, tumbleweeds, and bar room brawls: it just wouldn't be the Wild West without them - although as he stood surveying the wreckage of Easy Sally's Saloon after last night's shootout, Sheriff Bronson Stankle thought to himself that he could probably live without the tumbleweeds. Turning to his old friend and trusty deputy, Harry Callahan Jr, the lawman took a long drag on his cigar and said...





... "I really could live without these here tumbleweeds", as he cast his eyes around the Saloon. Laser burns scorched the tables, the floor, the roof; the smell of ozone stung his nostrils, as he...






...snorted the detritus of the still semi-toxic snot that was up there. It had been some time since he had to unload half a laser-carbine into a group of unarmed civillians, and the smell of it always got to him. Not that any of these here sun-darkened, knuckle-dragging drug-runners were innocent of course. Bronson, noticed something stiring and....






...turned, his hand dropping automatically to the small but lethal disintegrator pistol slung from his belt. He chuckled when he realised it was just his rickety old cybernetic horse plugging itself into a nearby power outlet, but his amusement quickly faded when he noticed...






...that the small and lethal device that he grabbed was not his pistol, rather, he was actually holding onto...






His sheriff's badge. In his panic he had forgotten to attach...






...even the real one of that! He was in fact, grasping with ineffective certainty, a replica ....






...of a badge, a poor replica of the badge in fact. For it had suffered the misfortune of a typo - a result of the clumsy thick hippo toes like fingers of the badge replica engineer. Glancing at the word that read...






..."Sherrif's Vadge", he shook his head at his earlier poor attention to detail. "Damn...if only I had worn my correct badge, the (relatively) innocent people that had asked about my sheriff's vadge would still be alive to knuckle drag and drug run another day" he thought. "One day, I will....






...get around to having the surgery so that my sexuality isn't such an awkward topic, but until then anyone who mentions my vadge gets disintegrated." By this time Harry Callahan Jr had ventured up to the remains of the bar and...





... knelt down beside a spittoon nestled amongst the rubble, reaching inside. The spittoon belched forth a soggy, squelching noise as Harry rummaged around inside. He withdrew his hand, fingers dripping with viscous, dark fluids and grasping some unknown item. With a wide, toothless grin, he exclaimed, "Look-ee here, Sheriff! We found ...







my false teeth which I lost one drunken evening. Must have spat 'em right into the spittoon without realising." And with that he stuck them back into his mouth, only then realising ths dark, viscous fluid was....






...an extraterrestrial oil-based organism, which promptly...






... energized this humble, toothless old barnowl firehazard deputy into a raging, hormone charged demon of unholy legal-eagle energy! having seen this just the night before, however, Sheriff Vage...





... immediately broke the fourth wall and emptied the clip of his disintegrater 6-shooter into the chest of the last Story Time contributor. "I said," he growled, "no one mentions the Sherriff's Vadge." He blew the imaginary smoke from the end of the barrel before performing a perfect triple spin return to the gun's holster. However, his incredible smoothness and flair for the dramatic, did little save him from ....







...Dr Jam's germ infested stethoscopes. For out of instincts, the doctor had reacted by pulling out those deadly stethoscopes, galloping towards the Sheriffe in slow motion, the doctor aims straight at the Sheriff's healthy and beating heart. Horrified from the knowledge that the stethoscopes carries the deadly bacteria from the last patient, who suffered from.....






...vadgerobicoliosis, with a twist of haemorrhoidal-bumdiggettymoog. Twas terrible t have as it was to say! Sheriff vad....er, Vaudge, had his aim slightly off and his throbbing beams of energy went instead.....






...straight into the proud backside of the grazing beast of the closest proximity. Bulls eye! The Sheriff was rathar excited at this epic ninjary move, despite the target being the wrong kind of eye. The surprised bull was not impressed, and...






... Erupted in a massive fireball; apparently the bull was not all that it seemed, and that both alien technology and fearsome magics had penetrated the wild west. A gentle breeze pushed around the smoke, as if nudging it around, toying with it, slowly revealing the sheriff, or what was left of him after the fiery and explosive collapse of the saloon. 'Looks like this zesty bulls word is law around here', he managed to spit out through his charred and bleeding mouth, as he looked around at the piles of bodies laying around the saloon; he gasped, trying yo find the breath for one last sentence - 'It looks like this is...'

THE END!!

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