Wednesday, March 5, 2014

THE SHERIFF - A Story Time Adventure (Ep5)






Cowboys, dust storms, tumbleweeds, and bar room brawls: it just wouldn't be the Wild West without them - although as he stood surveying the wreckage of Easy Sally's Saloon after last night's shootout, Sheriff Bronson Stankle thought to himself that he could probably live without the tumbleweeds. Turning to his old friend and trusty deputy, Harry Callahan Jr, the lawman took a long drag on his cigar and said...





... "I really could live without these here tumbleweeds", as he cast his eyes around the Saloon. Laser burns scorched the tables, the floor, the roof; the smell of ozone stung his nostrils, as he...






...snorted the detritus of the still semi-toxic snot that was up there. It had been some time since he had to unload half a laser-carbine into a group of unarmed civillians, and the smell of it always got to him. Not that any of these here sun-darkened, knuckle-dragging drug-runners were innocent of course. Bronson, noticed something stiring and....






...turned, his hand dropping automatically to the small but lethal disintegrator pistol slung from his belt. He chuckled when he realised it was just his rickety old cybernetic horse plugging itself into a nearby power outlet, but his amusement quickly faded when he noticed...






...that the small and lethal device that he grabbed was not his pistol, rather, he was actually holding onto...






His sheriff's badge. In his panic he had forgotten to attach...






...even the real one of that! He was in fact, grasping with ineffective certainty, a replica ....






...of a badge, a poor replica of the badge in fact. For it had suffered the misfortune of a typo - a result of the clumsy thick hippo toes like fingers of the badge replica engineer. Glancing at the word that read...






..."Sherrif's Vadge", he shook his head at his earlier poor attention to detail. "Damn...if only I had worn my correct badge, the (relatively) innocent people that had asked about my sheriff's vadge would still be alive to knuckle drag and drug run another day" he thought. "One day, I will....






...get around to having the surgery so that my sexuality isn't such an awkward topic, but until then anyone who mentions my vadge gets disintegrated." By this time Harry Callahan Jr had ventured up to the remains of the bar and...





... knelt down beside a spittoon nestled amongst the rubble, reaching inside. The spittoon belched forth a soggy, squelching noise as Harry rummaged around inside. He withdrew his hand, fingers dripping with viscous, dark fluids and grasping some unknown item. With a wide, toothless grin, he exclaimed, "Look-ee here, Sheriff! We found ...







my false teeth which I lost one drunken evening. Must have spat 'em right into the spittoon without realising." And with that he stuck them back into his mouth, only then realising ths dark, viscous fluid was....






...an extraterrestrial oil-based organism, which promptly...






... energized this humble, toothless old barnowl firehazard deputy into a raging, hormone charged demon of unholy legal-eagle energy! having seen this just the night before, however, Sheriff Vage...





... immediately broke the fourth wall and emptied the clip of his disintegrater 6-shooter into the chest of the last Story Time contributor. "I said," he growled, "no one mentions the Sherriff's Vadge." He blew the imaginary smoke from the end of the barrel before performing a perfect triple spin return to the gun's holster. However, his incredible smoothness and flair for the dramatic, did little save him from ....







...Dr Jam's germ infested stethoscopes. For out of instincts, the doctor had reacted by pulling out those deadly stethoscopes, galloping towards the Sheriffe in slow motion, the doctor aims straight at the Sheriff's healthy and beating heart. Horrified from the knowledge that the stethoscopes carries the deadly bacteria from the last patient, who suffered from.....






...vadgerobicoliosis, with a twist of haemorrhoidal-bumdiggettymoog. Twas terrible t have as it was to say! Sheriff vad....er, Vaudge, had his aim slightly off and his throbbing beams of energy went instead.....






...straight into the proud backside of the grazing beast of the closest proximity. Bulls eye! The Sheriff was rathar excited at this epic ninjary move, despite the target being the wrong kind of eye. The surprised bull was not impressed, and...






... Erupted in a massive fireball; apparently the bull was not all that it seemed, and that both alien technology and fearsome magics had penetrated the wild west. A gentle breeze pushed around the smoke, as if nudging it around, toying with it, slowly revealing the sheriff, or what was left of him after the fiery and explosive collapse of the saloon. 'Looks like this zesty bulls word is law around here', he managed to spit out through his charred and bleeding mouth, as he looked around at the piles of bodies laying around the saloon; he gasped, trying yo find the breath for one last sentence - 'It looks like this is...'

THE END!!

Sunday, March 2, 2014

COCK UP - A Story Time Adventure (Ep4)


Once upon a time, there was a cock. It's name was Up. This was no ordinary cock, this one could ...




Stretch its own foreskin over another human being so they could wear it as a coat, or wrap it around someone like a cocoon. This cock could choke out a man and contract its skin so hard it would break bones. One day this special cock decided...





... to run away with the circus. It figured that a 'big top' needed a big ...





...bottom too. Thus it conspired to wrap up oprah winfr3y and steal her away. However, dur8ng the attempt to wrap itself around her city sized ass, it encountered. ..





... a nuclear reactor. Why exactly a nuclear reactor was installed on Oprah's arse end, may just be an eternal mystery, but never-the-less, this cock knew exactly what it could do with such power. First it would ...







...find a huge condom. For with great power, comes great responsibility. Then it would...





...proceed to wrap the condom around the nuclear reactor, closing off all ventilation and causing a meltdown (sorted!). So with the big top and radioactive bottom in tow, the cock proceeded to...






... crow 3 times because he's heard one of his ancestors did it and caused quite the minimalist stir. unfortunately, he crowed far too close to the meltdown-nuclear-fire-tipped ass that was. Within seconds the surrounding....




... circus tents erupted into flames, super-heated by the irradiated rear end. With a mighty thrust, the cock pushed the toxic tooshie over a nearby cliff and into the sea, leaving the problem to someone else who might be at the other end of whatever current carried the thing away. Turning back to the flaming circus, the cock then ....






...started to get a little excited, for it had been an exciting day and it had a figurative hardon for action. Unfortunately, the cock was also somewhat shy, so it...





.... pulled it's foreskin up over its head and tried to hide from the flames. Of course, this was of little real protection. As the smell of sizzling snag filled the air ...





Weeeee





....spontaneously also happened. Sadly this was the last straw and...






And with a quick jerk back of its forskin the giant cock extinguished flames with a forceful spray of cum. Once the flames had died down....




... Up quickly felt like taking a nap, because you know, that's the way these things work. Within moments, the cock was contentedly snoring away when ...







...along walked Shagga, son of Dolf, who recognized Up as a manhood he had chopped off with the intention of feeding to the goats. (Pop culture reference to GOT) Fortunately for Shagga, but not so Up, several goats had been freed in the melee of the circus fire, and while laying there spent, Up was fed to the goats, thus ending the long and short of the stiry of Up.

THE END




Saturday, March 1, 2014

AR-79X - A Story Time Adventure (Ep3)







Scout ship AR-79X streaked across the sky, its crippled engines belching fire and clouds of toxic black smoke. Although the crew of five were experienced spacers with dozens of successful missions between them, they had been unable to...






...figure out how the engines, being ion fusion drives and capable of emiting fire and smoke in much the same way that a small adele penguin could be used to power a nuclear submarine, were doing that. Suddenly out the starboard cockpit window, Captain. ..






...Ellison Adger Billing-Smythe saw a large clearing in the jungle, and sensor readings soon confirmed that it would make an ideal landing strip for the ship. Unfortunately it wasn't to be, as the navigational controls had been vapourised by the explosion, and the ship was locked on course towards...






...school, nooooooo, anything but back to school! An idea sparked in Captain EA - BS 's BS type of mind. Let's use our fartulence to power the ship!!! Everybody, grab some baked beans! The crew rushed to the cupboard, only to find it....






...chocka-block full of old Captain EABS cherry vodka! The crew was desperate enough to try anything, so grabbing the girly-flavoured liqueur and a rather surprised stoat, they all cranked up the cabin digital-ether radio and began...






...to sing a haunting impromptu rendition of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' over the galactic emergency channel. When they had finished, the galactic emergency channel dispatcher, being more of a Rolling Stones man himself, grimly announced that using the GEC for unrehearsed musical performances was outlawed and that he would be sending a fleet of warships to destroy them, just as soon as he had finished...





... not giving a shit. Galactic emergency channel operators were notoriously snarky and rarely provided any useful information or assistance, even in the most dire of circumstances. Sadly for the Captain and crew, this particular operator was in the mood to follow through with his threat; not only did he despatch a fleet of war ships, but also ...







...made sure they were equiped with chronomonogrammic ultra-kibosh torpedoes, which would erase AR-79X and its crew from the fabric of reality. After engaging their polyphasic wormhole drives, it took just three minutes for the armada to arrive at the source of the prohibited Queen transmission, but to their eternal disappointment they found...






a small potato. Luckily for Captain EABS, just one minute earlier, he and his crew had....






...finished eating dinner, jettisoned the waste (which amounted to the aforementioned potato - their cook was extremely efficient), and jumped to light speed. Now safely on the other side of the galaxy, they set about...





... trying to figure out how a bottle of cherry vodka and a poorly performed rendition of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' had been able to instantaneously repair their light drive, which had just recently been blown to smithereens. It's not like it was just a simple failure either. I mean, it had even been belching fire and plumes of toxic black smoke, which was an odd thing for an ion-based light drive to do, but none-the-less, it had been doing it; probably caused by the ...







...jettisoning of the potato. Yeah. It's got me fucked too. But meanwhile, Captain EABS had more important issues to dwell on, for at that very instant, a huge.....






...deus ex machina appeared in space right in front of the ship and bellowed "I just travelled a couple of minutes backwards in time and repaired your engines, you puny humans! No need to thank me! Wait....on second thoughts, I kind of enjoyed that performance you put on earlier. How about you remain here for all eternity, drinking cherry vodka and performing Queen's greatest hits?! IT'LL BE FUUUUNNNNNNNN!!!"

THE END